Satire: Canada's Bill C-18.1 - The Software Update for Speech Control

Photo by Jason Hafso on Unsplash

In a bold move to preserve the nation's tranquillity, the Canadian government has unveiled Bill C-18.1, a software update to legislation raising eyebrows and lowering voices across the country. This innovative bill, also known as the "Say It Not" Act, aims to transform Canada into a haven of silence, where words are as rare as a warm day in January.

At a whisper-only press conference, the Prime Minister unveiled the bill, saying, "We believe that actions speak louder than words, so why not get rid of words altogether?" The room fell into a contemplative silence, interrupted only by the sound of journalists furiously typing, which, under the new legislation, might soon be considered an act of audio aggression.

Under Bill C-18.1, Canadians are encouraged to communicate through interpretative dance and an extensive range of approved facial expressions. The famed Canadian politeness is expected to reach new heights as citizens now have to think twice, maybe thrice, before uttering anything that could potentially offend, disturb, or cause any form of emotional fluctuation in others.

The legislation also introduces the concept of 'Preemptive Apologies,' a uniquely Canadian invention where citizens apologize in advance for any potential offensive statements. This new practice is expected to save time and further smoothen interpersonal interactions.

On the streets, the reception of Bill C-18.1 has been nothing short of quiet. One citizen conveyed mixed feelings through a series of approved gestures and expressive eyebrow movements. Another, after performing a brief interpretative strut, seemed to express a longing for the days when one could say "sorry" out loud instead of portraying it through a choreographed routine.

The bill also proposes a new government body, The Parliamentary Bureau of Silence, responsible for enforcing the pristine calm. Officers, or "Prime-Shushers" as they are to be called, will patrol public spaces, ensuring the peace is kept, one shush at a time. They are also tasked with providing citizens with interpretative strut classes to help ease the transition into this new era of non-verbal communication.

As Canada prepares to bid adieu to the audible, the message is clear: silence isn't just golden; it's legislated in Canada.

Stay quiet, my friends.